Please, someone out there, tell me that I am not the only pregnant woman who, at one point in her pregnancy, came to the conclusion that I never REALLY wanted to be a mother, I don't like being pregnant, I have no faith in my spouse as a father, and think this child will be better off with other parents.
I am sure that a mild mental breakdown in pregnancy is normal. There are hormones to consider. The stress of friends, family, and work. The knowledge that your life will soon be turned upside down and nothing will ever be the same.
However, I am beginning to ponder a few things I have realized about myself recently. Also, some revelations from friends and family that have redefined not just my definition of them but of our relationship and how I have to view my life experiences.
As a result I am seriously questioning my will and ability to be a good mother. I am lazy and self centered. I do not particularly want to give up my freedom. I have in my mind the idea of what a good mother does and doesn't do. Guess what: the thought of embodying my idea of a good mother is beyond daunting.
I love my child already, but I am seriously questioning God's wisdom in giving a blessing like this to a couple of people like us. I need to get in a prayerful mindset and start begging for some grace and understanding. I also need some true love and support. The feeling of loneliness is truly overwhelming right now. I have literally cried myself dry this evening. I'm sure a hormone spike is partially responsible for the hopelessness and frustration I feel but knowing this doesn't negate the feelings. My heart is a pit of darkness that even the rays of hope can't penetrate tonight.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Their Eyes were watching...
23 weeks. We are pretty sure our spawn is female. We even have a name picked out.
I am a big girl, and most people who look at me do not assume I am pregnant. I feel very pregnant. Especially when she decides to have a dance party in my uterus at 5am. Tonight, for the first time, she had hiccups. Oddly, I had them in tandem with her and it was a pretty miserable 5 minutes.
Recently I have been suffering the requisite sinus infection (which I hopefully caught before it progressed into pneumonia as I usually do). It has been interesting to be given so much differing advice and to be told by pretty much everyone that I am risking/hurting my child.
I always expected those who came before me to have advice and opinions. There is no truer saying in the world... opinions are like a--holes, everyone has one. Don't get me wrong. I love and appreciate advice and if I respect you as a person then I value your parenting opinion. However, if only it were evidence or behavioral based advice, not just random musings that make me second and triple guess every move I make. I am to the point I am almost hamstrung in fear.
I am a big girl, and most people who look at me do not assume I am pregnant. I feel very pregnant. Especially when she decides to have a dance party in my uterus at 5am. Tonight, for the first time, she had hiccups. Oddly, I had them in tandem with her and it was a pretty miserable 5 minutes.
Recently I have been suffering the requisite sinus infection (which I hopefully caught before it progressed into pneumonia as I usually do). It has been interesting to be given so much differing advice and to be told by pretty much everyone that I am risking/hurting my child.
I always expected those who came before me to have advice and opinions. There is no truer saying in the world... opinions are like a--holes, everyone has one. Don't get me wrong. I love and appreciate advice and if I respect you as a person then I value your parenting opinion. However, if only it were evidence or behavioral based advice, not just random musings that make me second and triple guess every move I make. I am to the point I am almost hamstrung in fear.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A Strange Stirring
For the past few days I thought I was brewing the mother of all bladder infections. Then I realized it was Festus, doing a tap dance on my bladder. Festus has now punched me a few times in the tummy - such a wonderfully odd sensation.
We will hopefully find out Festus' gender next Thursday. Until then Festus it remains. This past week has been a challange. I have become quite the klutz and broke my toe by dropping a cutting board on it. I have also had some serious mood swings, one of which resulted in my foot planted on K's butt and him physically getting kicked out of bed (I was going on night 2 of no sleep due to his snoring and he had just kicked my broken toe for the third time).
Despite the mood swings and the sleep deprivation it was a good week and I look forward to more positive progress.
We will hopefully find out Festus' gender next Thursday. Until then Festus it remains. This past week has been a challange. I have become quite the klutz and broke my toe by dropping a cutting board on it. I have also had some serious mood swings, one of which resulted in my foot planted on K's butt and him physically getting kicked out of bed (I was going on night 2 of no sleep due to his snoring and he had just kicked my broken toe for the third time).
Despite the mood swings and the sleep deprivation it was a good week and I look forward to more positive progress.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
A Small Place
Up until now I always thought of myself as fairly normal, fairly healthy, and fairly balanced. Then I got pregnant. My high risk consult looked at me with pity and commented on what a rough time I've had of it. Really? I never thought of it that way.
Almost every Gynie I've seen has told me I would have trouble conceiving. Not so! We got pregnant on BC and miscarried and one month off BC conceived. So far we are 18 weeks into a fairly uncomplicated pregnancy. Despite some early scares things are progressing well. My only issue is continued nausea, fatigue, and "growing pains." Ken tells me I am too in tune with my body. I can literally feel my stomach muscles stretching, tearing, moving. My hips are pushing out and I can feel the joints grinding. All of my ligaments are getting loose and I can feel pain in joints (not unusual for me) but it is getting worse. However, no flutters of life from Festus yet. We do listen to its heartbeat every Sunday with a fetal Doppler.
I just find it hard to comprehend how something so tiny, so miraculous, can cause such a major change in my body. Some days I marvel at the fact that I am literally growing a new life inside of me; one made of Ken and my combined genetic material and a whisper of the supernatural, a new soul, a miracle. Those days I feel big, larger than life; I am literally someone's entire world for another 5 months! Other days, when it hurts and I have a horrible headache and my hormones go haywire and I feel like I an chewing glass just to function in a semi-normal state, I think of this little parasite, living in a little pocket in my abdomen, that is sucking the life from me - in a literal and figurative sense. On these days I feel small, pain and pressure and uncertainty press in on me, I want to cower, to become minuscule.
I want to embrace change, to see and marvel, to be the glowing preganant girl. I also really want an Excedrin migraine and a glass of Rosa Regale. I want to meditate, relax, and communicate with my child in-utero. I also would like to smile and mean it (which for me means pharmaceuticals). Such an odd and complicated season in life pregnancy is. So many wishes and wants. So many dreams unrealized. So many hopes unfulfilled. So many possibilities. So much potential.
Almost every Gynie I've seen has told me I would have trouble conceiving. Not so! We got pregnant on BC and miscarried and one month off BC conceived. So far we are 18 weeks into a fairly uncomplicated pregnancy. Despite some early scares things are progressing well. My only issue is continued nausea, fatigue, and "growing pains." Ken tells me I am too in tune with my body. I can literally feel my stomach muscles stretching, tearing, moving. My hips are pushing out and I can feel the joints grinding. All of my ligaments are getting loose and I can feel pain in joints (not unusual for me) but it is getting worse. However, no flutters of life from Festus yet. We do listen to its heartbeat every Sunday with a fetal Doppler.
I just find it hard to comprehend how something so tiny, so miraculous, can cause such a major change in my body. Some days I marvel at the fact that I am literally growing a new life inside of me; one made of Ken and my combined genetic material and a whisper of the supernatural, a new soul, a miracle. Those days I feel big, larger than life; I am literally someone's entire world for another 5 months! Other days, when it hurts and I have a horrible headache and my hormones go haywire and I feel like I an chewing glass just to function in a semi-normal state, I think of this little parasite, living in a little pocket in my abdomen, that is sucking the life from me - in a literal and figurative sense. On these days I feel small, pain and pressure and uncertainty press in on me, I want to cower, to become minuscule.
I want to embrace change, to see and marvel, to be the glowing preganant girl. I also really want an Excedrin migraine and a glass of Rosa Regale. I want to meditate, relax, and communicate with my child in-utero. I also would like to smile and mean it (which for me means pharmaceuticals). Such an odd and complicated season in life pregnancy is. So many wishes and wants. So many dreams unrealized. So many hopes unfulfilled. So many possibilities. So much potential.
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Fury and the Storm
We're pregnant! 17 weeks and we are so excited (and scared and happy and terrified)! K and I have been married for 7 years. He's 31, I'm 30. We have spent our entire lives doing exactly what is expected of us and doing the "right" thing. The typical Midwestern couple.
K's parents have been married for almost 33 years. Mine celebrated their 40th anniversary on Christmas. We were both raised in politically conservative households in conservative churches. We both attended private Christian colleges in the Midwest. I studied Sociology in grad school while K lived with his parents and worked retail management. We both ended up back in Ohio and met online and through a mutual friend. Since it seemed like the universe was trying to make sure we met it seemed like a good idea. We dated for 5 months, were engaged for 3 months, and married at 24/23 in January of '04.
The first 2 years of our marriage were not exactly a honeymoon period. Personal issues, relationship issues, and medical issues created a perfect storm. Flash forward 5 years, a lot of hard work and emotional investment. Now we are home birth seeking, mildly granola, Doula/CBE, CSA members, active in our community, service oriented 30 something professionals.
I am a notoriously "strong opinionated woman" with control issues who has sought better living through pharmaceuticals, meditation, faith, and service. My pregnancy has made me re-evaluate some of my priorities and has presented some challenges; namely my issue with hormones, medication, and self-control. K is a "nice guy" who is often overlooked and underestimated because he is so likable.
So that's us in a nutshell. We have a long journey ahead of us with this pregnancy, this child, our careers, our education. We hope you enjoy coming along for the ride.
K's parents have been married for almost 33 years. Mine celebrated their 40th anniversary on Christmas. We were both raised in politically conservative households in conservative churches. We both attended private Christian colleges in the Midwest. I studied Sociology in grad school while K lived with his parents and worked retail management. We both ended up back in Ohio and met online and through a mutual friend. Since it seemed like the universe was trying to make sure we met it seemed like a good idea. We dated for 5 months, were engaged for 3 months, and married at 24/23 in January of '04.
The first 2 years of our marriage were not exactly a honeymoon period. Personal issues, relationship issues, and medical issues created a perfect storm. Flash forward 5 years, a lot of hard work and emotional investment. Now we are home birth seeking, mildly granola, Doula/CBE, CSA members, active in our community, service oriented 30 something professionals.
I am a notoriously "strong opinionated woman" with control issues who has sought better living through pharmaceuticals, meditation, faith, and service. My pregnancy has made me re-evaluate some of my priorities and has presented some challenges; namely my issue with hormones, medication, and self-control. K is a "nice guy" who is often overlooked and underestimated because he is so likable.
So that's us in a nutshell. We have a long journey ahead of us with this pregnancy, this child, our careers, our education. We hope you enjoy coming along for the ride.
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