Please, someone out there, tell me that I am not the only pregnant woman who, at one point in her pregnancy, came to the conclusion that I never REALLY wanted to be a mother, I don't like being pregnant, I have no faith in my spouse as a father, and think this child will be better off with other parents.
I am sure that a mild mental breakdown in pregnancy is normal. There are hormones to consider. The stress of friends, family, and work. The knowledge that your life will soon be turned upside down and nothing will ever be the same.
However, I am beginning to ponder a few things I have realized about myself recently. Also, some revelations from friends and family that have redefined not just my definition of them but of our relationship and how I have to view my life experiences.
As a result I am seriously questioning my will and ability to be a good mother. I am lazy and self centered. I do not particularly want to give up my freedom. I have in my mind the idea of what a good mother does and doesn't do. Guess what: the thought of embodying my idea of a good mother is beyond daunting.
I love my child already, but I am seriously questioning God's wisdom in giving a blessing like this to a couple of people like us. I need to get in a prayerful mindset and start begging for some grace and understanding. I also need some true love and support. The feeling of loneliness is truly overwhelming right now. I have literally cried myself dry this evening. I'm sure a hormone spike is partially responsible for the hopelessness and frustration I feel but knowing this doesn't negate the feelings. My heart is a pit of darkness that even the rays of hope can't penetrate tonight.
Dear Linsey,
ReplyDeleteOh dear....I remember those days. I was surprised when I got pregnant the first time at 37! The one thing I always tell parents is to be gentle with themselves. This quote explains why: "The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new". ~Rajneesh
Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting are all transforming experiences....CHANGE....no human embraces change 100% willingly. Its a process, Linsey.
Maybe God is giving you this amazing gift because this child brings you a lesson or you bring the child a lesson? Everything must happen for a reason. I have to believe that. It is the only thing that holds my crazy world together.
You are going to make an amazing mother. You don't have to be perfect to be a mother. You need love which you already possess. The rest comes with time my friend. So please peak up over the pit of darkness, see my hand reaching for yours in support, love, and friendship. Know that I am here for you.
With much love,
Sharon
Being worried about being a good mom means you will probably be a "good" mom. Keep in mind good and perfect are not the same. Try not to put expectations on yourself or the baby. Take it one day at a time and just let it unfold. I would also suggest getting a doula for your pregnancy & post partum period to help ease your transition and you will have a support person you can count on. It also will take expectations off dad and chances are he is also feeling anxious about becoming a parent.
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are not abnormal. I do caution that some women do suffer from ante partum depression the lessor know cousin of post partum depression. It may be worth seeking professional support if you think you may be experiencing that.
Bless you I hope you find some peace, you are not alone.
Wendy