Please, someone out there, tell me that I am not the only pregnant woman who, at one point in her pregnancy, came to the conclusion that I never REALLY wanted to be a mother, I don't like being pregnant, I have no faith in my spouse as a father, and think this child will be better off with other parents.
I am sure that a mild mental breakdown in pregnancy is normal. There are hormones to consider. The stress of friends, family, and work. The knowledge that your life will soon be turned upside down and nothing will ever be the same.
However, I am beginning to ponder a few things I have realized about myself recently. Also, some revelations from friends and family that have redefined not just my definition of them but of our relationship and how I have to view my life experiences.
As a result I am seriously questioning my will and ability to be a good mother. I am lazy and self centered. I do not particularly want to give up my freedom. I have in my mind the idea of what a good mother does and doesn't do. Guess what: the thought of embodying my idea of a good mother is beyond daunting.
I love my child already, but I am seriously questioning God's wisdom in giving a blessing like this to a couple of people like us. I need to get in a prayerful mindset and start begging for some grace and understanding. I also need some true love and support. The feeling of loneliness is truly overwhelming right now. I have literally cried myself dry this evening. I'm sure a hormone spike is partially responsible for the hopelessness and frustration I feel but knowing this doesn't negate the feelings. My heart is a pit of darkness that even the rays of hope can't penetrate tonight.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Their Eyes were watching...
23 weeks. We are pretty sure our spawn is female. We even have a name picked out.
I am a big girl, and most people who look at me do not assume I am pregnant. I feel very pregnant. Especially when she decides to have a dance party in my uterus at 5am. Tonight, for the first time, she had hiccups. Oddly, I had them in tandem with her and it was a pretty miserable 5 minutes.
Recently I have been suffering the requisite sinus infection (which I hopefully caught before it progressed into pneumonia as I usually do). It has been interesting to be given so much differing advice and to be told by pretty much everyone that I am risking/hurting my child.
I always expected those who came before me to have advice and opinions. There is no truer saying in the world... opinions are like a--holes, everyone has one. Don't get me wrong. I love and appreciate advice and if I respect you as a person then I value your parenting opinion. However, if only it were evidence or behavioral based advice, not just random musings that make me second and triple guess every move I make. I am to the point I am almost hamstrung in fear.
I am a big girl, and most people who look at me do not assume I am pregnant. I feel very pregnant. Especially when she decides to have a dance party in my uterus at 5am. Tonight, for the first time, she had hiccups. Oddly, I had them in tandem with her and it was a pretty miserable 5 minutes.
Recently I have been suffering the requisite sinus infection (which I hopefully caught before it progressed into pneumonia as I usually do). It has been interesting to be given so much differing advice and to be told by pretty much everyone that I am risking/hurting my child.
I always expected those who came before me to have advice and opinions. There is no truer saying in the world... opinions are like a--holes, everyone has one. Don't get me wrong. I love and appreciate advice and if I respect you as a person then I value your parenting opinion. However, if only it were evidence or behavioral based advice, not just random musings that make me second and triple guess every move I make. I am to the point I am almost hamstrung in fear.
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