I am now a Mother. I am so not used to saying that. She is one month and 5 days old now. It has been the most challenging month of my life.
My husband and I have shared a bed for roughly 20 hours since the baby was born. I miss cuddling with my husband, I miss sleep period! I never thought I would long for the days of dealing with just my husband's snoring but now I have hormone hotflashes and baby crying and snoring - ARGH! I may have gotten about 80 hours of sleep this last month. I am a sleeper. I NEED 8 hours a night. I am also an incredibly light sleeper - so a snoring husband and new baby do not work for me. I am also a person who takes a while to unwind and fall asleep - so the broken sleep of having a newborn does not work for me.
Breastfeeding is hard. She is attached all the time - she is attached and asleep right now. She is still not gaining weight - in fact she may have lost a little this week. So we buy special hypoallergenic formula that costs an arm and a leg to supplement. She is also not pooping well. So then we do prune juice. Then she is gassy so we do gripe water. Ack! Natural parenting is HARD! Attachment parenting is HARD! Mostly because this is a ridiculously hot summer and we don't have central air. That and all of the advice and the judging.
My relationship with my parents is changing. My mother really hurt me right after my marathon labor and she is not sorry she hurt me: we have very different views of medicine and birth. I do not know if I can ever get over how she invaded my birth experience (she was not supposed to be in the room and I told her to leave 3 times - but she stayed). I know I will not be able to get over how she judged and shat upon my birth experience not an hour after my child was born. I think I finally reached my limit of adjusting everything in my life to accommodate my beloved mother. No more. I love her so much but my child and my needs as a mother come first. The same goes for my father and grandmother and aunt who smoke. When it comes to my child - my way or the highway.
I am an only child. I only had a roommate for a total of 1 year of my life. I have had housemates - but that is different. My husband and I work different shifts so I still spend a lot of my time by myself. I like solitude. I like being able to read, watch what I want, go where I want, do what I want without anyone's approval or permission. Yes, sometimes it is lonely but I am used to it. What I am not used to is having someone depend on me for everything. Not being able to poop or pee or shower when I need to. I can't eat when I'm hungry, can't get a drink when I am thirsty because my child is almost always eating or sleeping on me. If I lay her down I am on a 10 minute clock before she awakes and demands to be fed again. I love my child more than anything but nobody told me I would resent the loss of my independence.
My husband is wonderful. Very sweet. Very into being a dad. Wants to do everything. He had 3 weeks off. In those three weeks he did not really help me get sleep nor did he catch up the house work. So he just had a babymoon - which is wonderful but not helpful. Now I find out - after we recently gave away 3k of my maternity leave fund to family who needed it - that I only get short term disability for 6 weeks. We can't go 6 weeks with me getting no income. On the flip side I have no idea how I am going back to work as sleep deprived and hormonal as I am. I am manic and not on medication due to breastfeeding - that does not set me up for success in my stressful job going back in peak season. I really don't know what to do and may only have a couple more weeks of leave. In all honesty I do not want to leave my baby. Financially that is not possible.
Motherhood is hard. Mothering a newborn is a full time job. No one should expect you to do housework, or community service, or work during the first 6 months! Yet we all do. I doubt my ability to do it all and do any of it well. Not being a good mother just isn't an option - so obviously something else is going to suffer. Family is unbelievable demanding on new parents. I thought they were supposed to be helpful - HAH! Granted; it is hard for me to ask for or even accept help.
Honestly, Motherhood is a club I never wanted to join. Now that I am a member I am not sure I like it. Again; I adore my child. I do not adore everything else that comes with membership in the 'Hood.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The Gift of Fear
We entered the 3rd trimester with anticipation. Now I am just worried! I have to get my house clean by May 14th for the lovely shower my friend is throwing us (ack! It may not happen - we'll see.) We have so much that needs to be done before the baby comes and it is just 9 short weeks a way.
Also, I felt like we had almost everything we need - now I realize we have some major gaping holes! I have one blanket. Granted my child will be born in July - but I might have thought about swaddling! Geez! I have hardly any baby care products - and since I am using only organic and naturals I should probably order those soon (any recommendations?).
We decided to do the diaper service for at least the first month - but they refuse to call me back - so I might need to invest in some diapers soon too (cloth only for us).
We do not have our angelcare monitor yet - but as we plan on rooming in for the first few months I guess that is okay. We also do not have our breast pump yet either.
Ack! Let's not get started on what all needs to be done to our house! We'll be out of state two weekends before the baby comes and I have a Doula client due near the end of May. Woo! Why do I have a feeling it only gets worse from here on out.
Also, I felt like we had almost everything we need - now I realize we have some major gaping holes! I have one blanket. Granted my child will be born in July - but I might have thought about swaddling! Geez! I have hardly any baby care products - and since I am using only organic and naturals I should probably order those soon (any recommendations?).
We decided to do the diaper service for at least the first month - but they refuse to call me back - so I might need to invest in some diapers soon too (cloth only for us).
We do not have our angelcare monitor yet - but as we plan on rooming in for the first few months I guess that is okay. We also do not have our breast pump yet either.
Ack! Let's not get started on what all needs to be done to our house! We'll be out of state two weekends before the baby comes and I have a Doula client due near the end of May. Woo! Why do I have a feeling it only gets worse from here on out.
Monday, April 11, 2011
A Matter of Death and Life
The past week has been trying to say the least.
My aunt died.
She was my Mother's baby sister (3rd of 4 - just turned 60). Of all my family I have been closest to Janet and her daughter Alice (Sis to us). I would spend the night with Janet and she would braid or curl my hair. She also gave me the worst perm a girl could ever have. She pimped me out to her friends' sons for prom dates - and I had a great time. Janet made me one of my favorite dishes - hammies - I was a teen before I found out they were fried pigs brains; by then I didn't care. She was always there for the big moments. Graduations, wedding shower, wedding (the only one of my family other than my parents who helped with the craziness); she could always be counted on to just pitch in and help.
Janet made the best pies. My favorite was her pumpkin pie. She knew how much I loved it and how I always bragged on her pies to everyone. Every year at Thanksgiving and Christmas - no matter what - there was an extra pumpkin pie set back for me to take home.
If you haven't caught on from this description she was a good person who gave so much to others. She was also opinionated and not afraid to confront you if she felt you were in the wrong. It was always done out of love - because she was worried about you. We butted heads more than a few times. One way I wish I was more like Janet was her ability to forgive; truly forgive, even seriously heinous things. I was so excited for her to know my baby.
That has been the hardest thing. I never got to say goodbye, I didn't get to say I love you one more time. My child will never know her great aunt Janet.
See - Ken had both sets of grandparents and even great grandparents in his childhood. He has many aunts and uncles. He has a brother and many cousins. My paternal grandfather died when my father was three - my paternal grandmother died when I was three. My maternal grandfather died many years before I was born. My maternal grandmother is alive, but sadly we have never been close. I was the youngest of 5 grand-kids and we just didn't have a lot in common. I think she just related to some of my other cousins more than me. It is hard to bond with a child you don't understand. Now her lucid days come and go but I am glad she will meet my child.
We worry about our child - of course - but we worry about family. Ken has a single brother with no designs on marriage and I am an only child. Our child will have one uncle. No cousins. Her closest relatives in her generation will be 3rd cousins 4-15 years older than her. I never thought much about this before. I am an only child and was never unhappy with it.
This past week I watched my cousin (also an only child) go through the very unexpected death of her Mother. My heart breaks for her. They were very close - much like my Mother and I. I don't even want to think of being in her position. However, the reality is, hopefully a long time from now, I will be. It terrifies me and gives me even more sympathy and compassion for my cousin.
An odd side effect has been that this self proclaimed proud only child: the girl who always said if you get it right the first time you don't have to have more ;) is now considering if I really want to be in the one and done club. Maybe there is something to be said for having a sibling to whom you are close in age. Maybe there is something to be said for large families.
All I know is I miss Janet terribly and I can't even fathom the loss my mother and grandmother and Cousin must be feeling. Yet as I sit here typing this my baby is bouncing the laptop with her kicks. A wonderful reminder that life is a cycle. I can help keep Janet and her legacy of forgiveness and generosity alive by embodying that for my child and making sure she knows about her Great aunt.
My aunt died.
She was my Mother's baby sister (3rd of 4 - just turned 60). Of all my family I have been closest to Janet and her daughter Alice (Sis to us). I would spend the night with Janet and she would braid or curl my hair. She also gave me the worst perm a girl could ever have. She pimped me out to her friends' sons for prom dates - and I had a great time. Janet made me one of my favorite dishes - hammies - I was a teen before I found out they were fried pigs brains; by then I didn't care. She was always there for the big moments. Graduations, wedding shower, wedding (the only one of my family other than my parents who helped with the craziness); she could always be counted on to just pitch in and help.
Janet made the best pies. My favorite was her pumpkin pie. She knew how much I loved it and how I always bragged on her pies to everyone. Every year at Thanksgiving and Christmas - no matter what - there was an extra pumpkin pie set back for me to take home.
If you haven't caught on from this description she was a good person who gave so much to others. She was also opinionated and not afraid to confront you if she felt you were in the wrong. It was always done out of love - because she was worried about you. We butted heads more than a few times. One way I wish I was more like Janet was her ability to forgive; truly forgive, even seriously heinous things. I was so excited for her to know my baby.
That has been the hardest thing. I never got to say goodbye, I didn't get to say I love you one more time. My child will never know her great aunt Janet.
See - Ken had both sets of grandparents and even great grandparents in his childhood. He has many aunts and uncles. He has a brother and many cousins. My paternal grandfather died when my father was three - my paternal grandmother died when I was three. My maternal grandfather died many years before I was born. My maternal grandmother is alive, but sadly we have never been close. I was the youngest of 5 grand-kids and we just didn't have a lot in common. I think she just related to some of my other cousins more than me. It is hard to bond with a child you don't understand. Now her lucid days come and go but I am glad she will meet my child.
We worry about our child - of course - but we worry about family. Ken has a single brother with no designs on marriage and I am an only child. Our child will have one uncle. No cousins. Her closest relatives in her generation will be 3rd cousins 4-15 years older than her. I never thought much about this before. I am an only child and was never unhappy with it.
This past week I watched my cousin (also an only child) go through the very unexpected death of her Mother. My heart breaks for her. They were very close - much like my Mother and I. I don't even want to think of being in her position. However, the reality is, hopefully a long time from now, I will be. It terrifies me and gives me even more sympathy and compassion for my cousin.
An odd side effect has been that this self proclaimed proud only child: the girl who always said if you get it right the first time you don't have to have more ;) is now considering if I really want to be in the one and done club. Maybe there is something to be said for having a sibling to whom you are close in age. Maybe there is something to be said for large families.
All I know is I miss Janet terribly and I can't even fathom the loss my mother and grandmother and Cousin must be feeling. Yet as I sit here typing this my baby is bouncing the laptop with her kicks. A wonderful reminder that life is a cycle. I can help keep Janet and her legacy of forgiveness and generosity alive by embodying that for my child and making sure she knows about her Great aunt.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Darkness of Heart
Please, someone out there, tell me that I am not the only pregnant woman who, at one point in her pregnancy, came to the conclusion that I never REALLY wanted to be a mother, I don't like being pregnant, I have no faith in my spouse as a father, and think this child will be better off with other parents.
I am sure that a mild mental breakdown in pregnancy is normal. There are hormones to consider. The stress of friends, family, and work. The knowledge that your life will soon be turned upside down and nothing will ever be the same.
However, I am beginning to ponder a few things I have realized about myself recently. Also, some revelations from friends and family that have redefined not just my definition of them but of our relationship and how I have to view my life experiences.
As a result I am seriously questioning my will and ability to be a good mother. I am lazy and self centered. I do not particularly want to give up my freedom. I have in my mind the idea of what a good mother does and doesn't do. Guess what: the thought of embodying my idea of a good mother is beyond daunting.
I love my child already, but I am seriously questioning God's wisdom in giving a blessing like this to a couple of people like us. I need to get in a prayerful mindset and start begging for some grace and understanding. I also need some true love and support. The feeling of loneliness is truly overwhelming right now. I have literally cried myself dry this evening. I'm sure a hormone spike is partially responsible for the hopelessness and frustration I feel but knowing this doesn't negate the feelings. My heart is a pit of darkness that even the rays of hope can't penetrate tonight.
I am sure that a mild mental breakdown in pregnancy is normal. There are hormones to consider. The stress of friends, family, and work. The knowledge that your life will soon be turned upside down and nothing will ever be the same.
However, I am beginning to ponder a few things I have realized about myself recently. Also, some revelations from friends and family that have redefined not just my definition of them but of our relationship and how I have to view my life experiences.
As a result I am seriously questioning my will and ability to be a good mother. I am lazy and self centered. I do not particularly want to give up my freedom. I have in my mind the idea of what a good mother does and doesn't do. Guess what: the thought of embodying my idea of a good mother is beyond daunting.
I love my child already, but I am seriously questioning God's wisdom in giving a blessing like this to a couple of people like us. I need to get in a prayerful mindset and start begging for some grace and understanding. I also need some true love and support. The feeling of loneliness is truly overwhelming right now. I have literally cried myself dry this evening. I'm sure a hormone spike is partially responsible for the hopelessness and frustration I feel but knowing this doesn't negate the feelings. My heart is a pit of darkness that even the rays of hope can't penetrate tonight.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Their Eyes were watching...
23 weeks. We are pretty sure our spawn is female. We even have a name picked out.
I am a big girl, and most people who look at me do not assume I am pregnant. I feel very pregnant. Especially when she decides to have a dance party in my uterus at 5am. Tonight, for the first time, she had hiccups. Oddly, I had them in tandem with her and it was a pretty miserable 5 minutes.
Recently I have been suffering the requisite sinus infection (which I hopefully caught before it progressed into pneumonia as I usually do). It has been interesting to be given so much differing advice and to be told by pretty much everyone that I am risking/hurting my child.
I always expected those who came before me to have advice and opinions. There is no truer saying in the world... opinions are like a--holes, everyone has one. Don't get me wrong. I love and appreciate advice and if I respect you as a person then I value your parenting opinion. However, if only it were evidence or behavioral based advice, not just random musings that make me second and triple guess every move I make. I am to the point I am almost hamstrung in fear.
I am a big girl, and most people who look at me do not assume I am pregnant. I feel very pregnant. Especially when she decides to have a dance party in my uterus at 5am. Tonight, for the first time, she had hiccups. Oddly, I had them in tandem with her and it was a pretty miserable 5 minutes.
Recently I have been suffering the requisite sinus infection (which I hopefully caught before it progressed into pneumonia as I usually do). It has been interesting to be given so much differing advice and to be told by pretty much everyone that I am risking/hurting my child.
I always expected those who came before me to have advice and opinions. There is no truer saying in the world... opinions are like a--holes, everyone has one. Don't get me wrong. I love and appreciate advice and if I respect you as a person then I value your parenting opinion. However, if only it were evidence or behavioral based advice, not just random musings that make me second and triple guess every move I make. I am to the point I am almost hamstrung in fear.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A Strange Stirring
For the past few days I thought I was brewing the mother of all bladder infections. Then I realized it was Festus, doing a tap dance on my bladder. Festus has now punched me a few times in the tummy - such a wonderfully odd sensation.
We will hopefully find out Festus' gender next Thursday. Until then Festus it remains. This past week has been a challange. I have become quite the klutz and broke my toe by dropping a cutting board on it. I have also had some serious mood swings, one of which resulted in my foot planted on K's butt and him physically getting kicked out of bed (I was going on night 2 of no sleep due to his snoring and he had just kicked my broken toe for the third time).
Despite the mood swings and the sleep deprivation it was a good week and I look forward to more positive progress.
We will hopefully find out Festus' gender next Thursday. Until then Festus it remains. This past week has been a challange. I have become quite the klutz and broke my toe by dropping a cutting board on it. I have also had some serious mood swings, one of which resulted in my foot planted on K's butt and him physically getting kicked out of bed (I was going on night 2 of no sleep due to his snoring and he had just kicked my broken toe for the third time).
Despite the mood swings and the sleep deprivation it was a good week and I look forward to more positive progress.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
A Small Place
Up until now I always thought of myself as fairly normal, fairly healthy, and fairly balanced. Then I got pregnant. My high risk consult looked at me with pity and commented on what a rough time I've had of it. Really? I never thought of it that way.
Almost every Gynie I've seen has told me I would have trouble conceiving. Not so! We got pregnant on BC and miscarried and one month off BC conceived. So far we are 18 weeks into a fairly uncomplicated pregnancy. Despite some early scares things are progressing well. My only issue is continued nausea, fatigue, and "growing pains." Ken tells me I am too in tune with my body. I can literally feel my stomach muscles stretching, tearing, moving. My hips are pushing out and I can feel the joints grinding. All of my ligaments are getting loose and I can feel pain in joints (not unusual for me) but it is getting worse. However, no flutters of life from Festus yet. We do listen to its heartbeat every Sunday with a fetal Doppler.
I just find it hard to comprehend how something so tiny, so miraculous, can cause such a major change in my body. Some days I marvel at the fact that I am literally growing a new life inside of me; one made of Ken and my combined genetic material and a whisper of the supernatural, a new soul, a miracle. Those days I feel big, larger than life; I am literally someone's entire world for another 5 months! Other days, when it hurts and I have a horrible headache and my hormones go haywire and I feel like I an chewing glass just to function in a semi-normal state, I think of this little parasite, living in a little pocket in my abdomen, that is sucking the life from me - in a literal and figurative sense. On these days I feel small, pain and pressure and uncertainty press in on me, I want to cower, to become minuscule.
I want to embrace change, to see and marvel, to be the glowing preganant girl. I also really want an Excedrin migraine and a glass of Rosa Regale. I want to meditate, relax, and communicate with my child in-utero. I also would like to smile and mean it (which for me means pharmaceuticals). Such an odd and complicated season in life pregnancy is. So many wishes and wants. So many dreams unrealized. So many hopes unfulfilled. So many possibilities. So much potential.
Almost every Gynie I've seen has told me I would have trouble conceiving. Not so! We got pregnant on BC and miscarried and one month off BC conceived. So far we are 18 weeks into a fairly uncomplicated pregnancy. Despite some early scares things are progressing well. My only issue is continued nausea, fatigue, and "growing pains." Ken tells me I am too in tune with my body. I can literally feel my stomach muscles stretching, tearing, moving. My hips are pushing out and I can feel the joints grinding. All of my ligaments are getting loose and I can feel pain in joints (not unusual for me) but it is getting worse. However, no flutters of life from Festus yet. We do listen to its heartbeat every Sunday with a fetal Doppler.
I just find it hard to comprehend how something so tiny, so miraculous, can cause such a major change in my body. Some days I marvel at the fact that I am literally growing a new life inside of me; one made of Ken and my combined genetic material and a whisper of the supernatural, a new soul, a miracle. Those days I feel big, larger than life; I am literally someone's entire world for another 5 months! Other days, when it hurts and I have a horrible headache and my hormones go haywire and I feel like I an chewing glass just to function in a semi-normal state, I think of this little parasite, living in a little pocket in my abdomen, that is sucking the life from me - in a literal and figurative sense. On these days I feel small, pain and pressure and uncertainty press in on me, I want to cower, to become minuscule.
I want to embrace change, to see and marvel, to be the glowing preganant girl. I also really want an Excedrin migraine and a glass of Rosa Regale. I want to meditate, relax, and communicate with my child in-utero. I also would like to smile and mean it (which for me means pharmaceuticals). Such an odd and complicated season in life pregnancy is. So many wishes and wants. So many dreams unrealized. So many hopes unfulfilled. So many possibilities. So much potential.
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