I am now a Mother. I am so not used to saying that. She is one month and 5 days old now. It has been the most challenging month of my life.
My husband and I have shared a bed for roughly 20 hours since the baby was born. I miss cuddling with my husband, I miss sleep period! I never thought I would long for the days of dealing with just my husband's snoring but now I have hormone hotflashes and baby crying and snoring - ARGH! I may have gotten about 80 hours of sleep this last month. I am a sleeper. I NEED 8 hours a night. I am also an incredibly light sleeper - so a snoring husband and new baby do not work for me. I am also a person who takes a while to unwind and fall asleep - so the broken sleep of having a newborn does not work for me.
Breastfeeding is hard. She is attached all the time - she is attached and asleep right now. She is still not gaining weight - in fact she may have lost a little this week. So we buy special hypoallergenic formula that costs an arm and a leg to supplement. She is also not pooping well. So then we do prune juice. Then she is gassy so we do gripe water. Ack! Natural parenting is HARD! Attachment parenting is HARD! Mostly because this is a ridiculously hot summer and we don't have central air. That and all of the advice and the judging.
My relationship with my parents is changing. My mother really hurt me right after my marathon labor and she is not sorry she hurt me: we have very different views of medicine and birth. I do not know if I can ever get over how she invaded my birth experience (she was not supposed to be in the room and I told her to leave 3 times - but she stayed). I know I will not be able to get over how she judged and shat upon my birth experience not an hour after my child was born. I think I finally reached my limit of adjusting everything in my life to accommodate my beloved mother. No more. I love her so much but my child and my needs as a mother come first. The same goes for my father and grandmother and aunt who smoke. When it comes to my child - my way or the highway.
I am an only child. I only had a roommate for a total of 1 year of my life. I have had housemates - but that is different. My husband and I work different shifts so I still spend a lot of my time by myself. I like solitude. I like being able to read, watch what I want, go where I want, do what I want without anyone's approval or permission. Yes, sometimes it is lonely but I am used to it. What I am not used to is having someone depend on me for everything. Not being able to poop or pee or shower when I need to. I can't eat when I'm hungry, can't get a drink when I am thirsty because my child is almost always eating or sleeping on me. If I lay her down I am on a 10 minute clock before she awakes and demands to be fed again. I love my child more than anything but nobody told me I would resent the loss of my independence.
My husband is wonderful. Very sweet. Very into being a dad. Wants to do everything. He had 3 weeks off. In those three weeks he did not really help me get sleep nor did he catch up the house work. So he just had a babymoon - which is wonderful but not helpful. Now I find out - after we recently gave away 3k of my maternity leave fund to family who needed it - that I only get short term disability for 6 weeks. We can't go 6 weeks with me getting no income. On the flip side I have no idea how I am going back to work as sleep deprived and hormonal as I am. I am manic and not on medication due to breastfeeding - that does not set me up for success in my stressful job going back in peak season. I really don't know what to do and may only have a couple more weeks of leave. In all honesty I do not want to leave my baby. Financially that is not possible.
Motherhood is hard. Mothering a newborn is a full time job. No one should expect you to do housework, or community service, or work during the first 6 months! Yet we all do. I doubt my ability to do it all and do any of it well. Not being a good mother just isn't an option - so obviously something else is going to suffer. Family is unbelievable demanding on new parents. I thought they were supposed to be helpful - HAH! Granted; it is hard for me to ask for or even accept help.
Honestly, Motherhood is a club I never wanted to join. Now that I am a member I am not sure I like it. Again; I adore my child. I do not adore everything else that comes with membership in the 'Hood.
